by Andy Kay
When we do this, we give others the opportunity to walk all over us. Partly because we don’t wanna lose the people we currently have in our lives. Also, because we’re so used to thinking of forgiveness and empathy as good things. In fact, don’t most people raise their kids into thinking like that?
“Low self-esteem can also lead to putting up with being repeatedly hurt by someone or something. Does that sound at all familiar to you?”
You might try to justify it, or downplay it. You might try to make excuses for the other person who is mistreating you: “He’s probably been having some rough times lately, so it’s only right that he vents, and maybe I can help out a little by letting him take it out on me.” (Keep in mind that the HE could also be a SHE.)
Ultimately, none of those things will help you. In fact, in those situations they only harm us by assisting us in neglecting the one thing that should, ideally, matter the most to any of us: Our own needs and/or feelings.
If we’re not used to asserting ourselves, setting boundaries for ourselves, having standards for ourselves, and saying no when necessary, we slowly let our own needs deteriorate. If you don’t allow yourself to do what’s best for you, then what kind of person do you expect yourself to be?
Now, forgiveness and empathy aren’t bad things in and of themselves, but they don’t necessarily solve anything in and of themselves, either.
Sometimes, forgiveness and empathy might do us more harm than good! This tends to happen when we cultivate sympathetic emotions towards other people first, and towards ourselves last. That, in turn, makes it more time-consuming, and difficult, to achieve success with our own lifetime goals.
When you have confidence in yourself; you have no problem putting your own needs ahead of others’. Confidence, among other things, means having a strong and personal conviction that you deserve whatever you want to have in life.
“How can I be convinced that I deserve whatever I want? After all, we’re all just people (human beings)! So, how am I any “better” than anyone else?”
“Nobody said you were!! However, nobody said you weren’t, either!! Even if someone did say you were or you weren’t; what difference would that make? You still need to make up your own mind about what is best for you. Additionally, this is a free country with freedom of speech, and God gave you free will!!”
Also, if you always please others more than you please yourself, aren’t you living by their standards instead of your own, and isn’t that self-destructive?
Think about it: If you don’t put your own needs first; how do you expect to accomplish everything you want out of this life; before you transition to the afterlife?
“But, if I put my own needs first, won’t most people think that I’m being selfish / egotistical / stuck-up / narcissistic?”
“Yeah, maybe, but do YOU notice how that’s still YOU worrying about what other people think about YOU?”
First and foremost, we need to realize that opinions, whether our own or others’, are simply that; opinions.
They’re not necessarily true or false, they’re nothing more than different opinionated perspectives. So, we need to ask ourselves: “What perspectives from other people can I use and benefit from, and what perspectives are hurtful or harmful to me?”
Now, don’t get me wrong; sometimes we do NEED other people’s perspectives about life in general. That will help us to not get stuck in our own selfish rut, and it also allows us to be respectful and considerate of other people’s opinion.
However, always remember that there’s a world of difference between considering other people’s opinion, and actually living your whole life based on other people’s opinion. In other words, you can consider them, but don’t forget you.
*Action Taker Homework
*This week, assert yourself at least one extra time more than you would normally do. If that means just once this week, it’s still better than none. It might just mean not taking on a certain extra task (saying no); even if it’s something urgent. It might mean just taking some time off for yourself each day.
*Or, it might just mean telling (not asking) someone to show respect, or you will reject; plain and simple. Also, try turning off your phone for awhile, and work on something that’s personally important to you.
You should successfully “do you” every single day, because it doesn’t make you conceited; it just makes you self-assertive, confident, and a good caretaker of yourself first, so that you can be in a perfect position to help others later.
Andy Kay helps people who are held back by fear, overwhelm, anxiety, indecisiveness, etc. After years of studying confident and successful people, he knows what works, and what doesn’t work. He doesn’t tolerate “spiritual” BS about “higher powers” and “purposes.” He believes that we already have unlimited access to all the power we need to achieve all of our own life purposes.